…don’t hurt me, no more.

Today I met with Seth, (an old friend and associate) and I asked about the idea of “screwing things up.”

You see, I’m far from perfect (well, actually, not even in the same universe as perfect), and I often find myself wondering about how my body of flesh—my physical self with all its bad habits and selfishness—so often does the very things I hate myself for. (See Romans chapter 7) How can something I despise so much in my self and others be so oddly tempting at times that it overcomes my resolve? The crux of the matter is that I often wonder what my flesh is capable of.

You see, I’m in seminary, training to hopefully become a pastor some day. It scares me that in some weak moment I might fall into some sin that totally destroys all I’ve dedicated my life to teaching and living out. How can I be assured that the strength of my flesh won’t overcome the redeemed and renewed will of my spirit?

I guess it then boils down to the question: What is love? Or, more specifically, what is God’s love for me? He cared enough for humanity to send Christ to die for our sins even while we were still horribly rotten sinners. (Romans 5:8) This, while hew knew that many would purposely reject him, and all the rest would deny him (eg. Peter) or continue to sin against him (eg. Me). Can I even grasp that kind of love?

I guess my point is this: when Christ carried out the ultimate expression of love on the Cross, dying as payment for sin, no one had done anything to deserve that. God knew what was in all of us, from pastors to addicts to super-apostles like Paul (Saul “I do what I hate” of Tarsus), and He still laid down his only Son to restore us to Him. Rather than fleeing/hiding my face over my sin, then, my proper response ought to be to run back to God, and thank Him all the more for redemption.

I guess I still don’t understand the magnitude of his love or forgiveness, because every time I sin, I fear that I’ve let him down and somehow pushed myself farther out of his supreme “circle of trust.”